And then this happened…

hollisTwo months ago, I was diligently taking notes as Dave Hollis educated this pragmatic planner on how I was made for more and how I could get out of my own way. As I scribbled notes, I added pre-order his book to my to-do list and soaked in all of the things that might get in the way. The list was solid – those who love me not understanding how this conference changed me, my fears, individuals who shouldn’t be do make their way into my headspace, the day-to-day distractions that consume my time but aren’t in life with the vision I’m creating for myself. It was a nice solid list. And, like a good rule follower, I made a plan… that even included discontinuing Apple News and all of the smut magazine reading I’ve thoroughly enjoyed for years.

I started to write a book. I started making small changes to my diet. I was more conscious of whose opinion I let in. For two months, I did well. And then, COVID-19 hit. This was not on Dave’s list. To say it has uprooted day-to-day life is an understatement. To say my healthy habits extended to including mini Cadbury eggs wouldn’t be a complete lie. In a single week our spring break was cancelled, my office moved home, my dad landed in the hospital and now needs additional care and my child’s school was postponed indefinitely. This is nothing compared to what many of my friends and family are going through but for just a minute, I just quit caring. I ordered spanx leggings. I “forgot” to wash my hair. I enjoyed quite the pity party that involved top the tater.

But here’s the thing. The little voice that says “made for more” (or the hat that’s sitting on my desk staring at me) is screaming out more than ever. I’m a solid 5 chapters into the rough draft of my book. That’s a third of a book. And now that there are real words on paper and an outline and a purpose, it is a lot harder to walk away. I find myself doubling down on gratitude and discovering how blessed I am to live where I live, have the job I have, and the family and friend supports. It is hard to feel anxious or sad when you add those items to the mix. In other words, the tools I learned at RISE Fort Meyers couldn’t be more relevant than they are in this moment.

So for now, I’m drinking the darn water alone. I’m going for walks and runs – either outside or on my treadmill. I bought a book of postcards to send handwritten notes to friends. I’m doing my best to put down technology in the evening to play with my kid. I’m listening to the birds and allowing myself to see the humor in the stupid red squirrel that has figured out how to maneuver himself into our squirrel proof feeder. And most importantly of all, I’m giving myself some grace when I eat the mini Cadbury eggs.

Harvard Business Review posted an article today about grief. It took me a minute to connect that so many of my feelings right now are a result of anticipatory grief. AKA the fear of the unknown and the disruption in our normal life that feels like actual loss. Today I emailed my former office mates the article because I miss them dearly. In our commitment to social distancing, working from home is a small price to pay but it doesn’t change the loss or grief we are feeling. Somehow the geek in me finds comfort in knowing that these abnormal feelings are in fact normal.

So today, I’m reminding myself to practice giving myself grace and to remember that perspective matters more than ever. If you had told me two months ago a pandemic would turn my life upside down, I would have laughed. But today, I can proudly say, if ever there was a time to be made for more… to show up for life… to make things count… it is now. And that my friends, is my latest Rise Fort Myers update.

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