Circle Tour Adventures

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/diving-into-the-unknown-student-athlete-proves-the-merits-of-hard-work/

I’ve been a little MIA lately. But, then I saw this yesterday (sorry for the link/it won’t let me embed the video). And, it comes at a time I’m diving head first into trail running—yet another sport I will 100% suck at. This of course follows a spring where I totally sucked at training and packed on a few pounds. It should come as no surprise to anyone, including me that this resulted in finishing times far from a PR. I didn’t really write much about my spring races in part due to my lackluster performance but also because I was having a bit of a pity party. More simply put, I misplaced my mojo.

Some of this is self-inflicted. I’ve been watching more television than normal and slacking on healthy eating habits. It turns out these things really do impact my overall mood. And, like so many families, we got busy. Busy means less down time. It means more running around getting the important stuff done, but actually not doing anything important. It means burning the candle on both ends, only to realize when you do that, there is nothing left. This came to a screeching halt last week when I had 9 glorious days off. It was spent at our family cabin. No television. Plenty of quality Jake time. Time for morning runs, lakeside reading, evening s’mores and self-reflection. A rare date night. And, a quiet ride home listening to podcasts.

I returned, refreshed to take on life. That last all of two days until my morning training run today. It was hot, humid and buggy. And, I’m not talking the occasional fly. I’m talking the flesh eating deer flies that leave you begging for mercy and dotted with mushroom sized welts up and down your legs, arms and neck. The only reason I didn’t quit was every time I slowed down, they multiplied biting harder and faster than I could swat. I arrived home depleted, wondering what I was thinking. And that’s when a recently purchased present reminded me of why.

Simon Sinek says “start with why.” Michael Pollan quotes Oscar Wilde saying “everything in moderation including moderation.” Gerald from Arlington, Texas says “I felt like if I couldn’t handle not being good at something, then how could I consider myself a successful person.” And I say, “do the work.” This past spring I acquired a custom made Greenstone (chlorastrolite) ring by Silverwaves Jewelry. I’m calling it my do the work ring. Why you might ask? The rational part of me would say because I need to justify splurging on something this purposeless for myself. But, the larger part of me can honestly say, I needed this daily reminder to rediscover my mojo.

I know it sounds silly. But the truth is, there is a lot in life we cannot control. The current political climate does not help, regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum. And, despite my intention to make a dent on the world, this hopelessness can get overwhelming and at times downright frustrating. There are a number of things out of my control right now that directly impact my future. I imagine that’s the case for most of us.

So today, I want to take a moment to say this. I’m training for a Trail Run this fall because I get to write my own story. And in my story, I know this is something I will absolutely accomplish. And, my success will equal exactly how much effort I’m willing to put in. Am I going to win? Hell no. Am I going to finish? Hell yes. Why? Because I can. Why won’t I win? Because even though my Under Armour beginner trail run schedule says I need to run at least 2, 12-mile training runs to do a 10k race, I’ll follow the words of Michael Pollan and recognize trail run plans are meant to be broken. I’m not willing to put in the work both physically and mentally needed to even come close to the front of the pack. But, I’ll still show up at Mount Bohemia October 6 because similar to Gerald, success isn’t measured by crossing the line first. It is defined by pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I’ll tell you right now, the welts on my legs on week 2 of training are proof, this is as far out of my comfort zone I can get right now.

So I’ve been MIA lately on here. Doubtful anyone has noticed but me. But, I find if I write my goal on here it happens. So now you know what’s on the horizon for me. I promise to share some shots from the trail. I’ll spare you the shots of my welted legs. But I will say this, there is something extremely liberating about doing something you know you’ll be bad at. You remove the expectation, other than to show up and try. To do the work. And enjoy the journey. As sweaty as it might be, it is pretty amazing. And, I’m really looking forward to the swag at the end. Happy Running!

Thanks to David Litt and his fabulous memoir about his time as a speechwriter in the White House, I couldn’t get those words out of my head today. It also so happened that today was one of those days I had plenty of time to think. It makes for an interesting combination (and to everyone on the Bean/Bear Lake trail today wondering who I was talking to, I’m not crazy. Just processing yet another mid-life crisis out loud).

It was fall peak on the Superior Hiking Trail, hence my paid hiking gig. I hit a trail that’s “moderately challenging” after torrential rain. While I’m not qualified to write technical trail terms, I’d say “moderately challenging” went to “muddy nightmare and potential leg breaker for an out of shape mom with an injured back” within a quarter mile of my car. A wiser and younger version of myself would have turned around. I didn’t. Hence, these shots.

I finished off the trail (and a pair of really nice Brooks running shoes) muddy and smelly but happy. I did it. Last time I hit this trail I was pre-kid and 20-pounds lighter, still actively backpacking on the weekends with a 45- pound back on my back. I must say, sipping my single serve Moscato (which actually holds three glasses) from the Grand Marais Municipal Liquor store listening to the sounds of Lake Superior just footsteps away from my room for the evening is a much better deal. But, either way I did it.

Anyways, I learned a few things on the trail today. And, it goes something like this.

How’s the whole hopey changey thing going for you Probst?

Pretty dam good if I may say so myself. Sure, I have my ups and downs—but as the eye candy (aka hiker) on the trail told me today, “it gets pretty muddy up ahead. Best to just embrace it.”

Embrace it? Seems a bit extreme. But, similar to the muck on the trail, I’m finding ways to endure and manage it. Can we say new shoes?

Next year I turn 40—time to roll out the existential crisis carpet. Add to this, we’ve booked our first family vacation that involves Jake flying the friendly skies. Steve and I celebrate our ten-year anniversary. Jake starts kindergarten. I’ll finally have my MBA in rural healthcare. Our library expansion project will be done. I’m buying a new car. Plus, given my inability to process milestones without some sort of unequivocal piece of nonsense, I’m sure I’ll complete some sort of stretch goal race that’ll leave me achy and sore for days and provide countless social media posts about the misery called training. But, whatever the challenge, I’m confident that I’ll end upright and after my injury last month, that’s a huge win for me.

These incredible highs will be coupled with the lows of an aging father. Countless trips to Cloquet. Praying to a God I don’t even know exists, in hopes for a miracle that won’t happen. Questioning my inner strength and whether I’m good enough. Does he know how much I love him? Do I make him proud? Does he know how much of me is a direct reflection of him? (Just ask Steve about me reading grocery store ads out loud). At times, it is too much. But somehow I endure. We all do, right? Watching friends and colleagues endure incredible heartbreak, I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have more time. And, at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want? Just one more day. One more hour. One more minute.

I was fortunate that I didn’t know anyone who died in this past week’s tragedy in Las Vegas. But, it was a brutal reminder that our time here is finite. This doesn’t mean I won’t squander precious minutes watching This is Us or drinking wine with friends. But, it did make me pause. Take stock of what and who matters. To look at what I’m doing, and, why. And the truth is, despite my occasional ability to anticipate problems that don’t even exist, I’m finding that deep down, I’m all hopey changey inside. I still believe I can and will make a difference in the world. And, that’s pretty awesome.

I hope for the few folks still reading this, you recognize you’re probably doing the same if not better. Don’t ever lose sight of that. Because this hopey changey gal believes we all deserve to make our mark.

 

I’m finally starting to get it. It wouldn’t be a Mother’s Day weekend without reflecting on life before and after mom. I used to dread this weekend, in part because it often left me trying to discover how to carry out my mother’s legacy. But, it never dawned on me that perhaps my journey was part of the answer.

Towards the end, my mom would often wait up for me at night to chat about life. Conversations would jump from the adventures of Jane Austen to high school crushes and my plans to be a journalist. She’d always say, I know you’ll make the right choice and whatever you do, just be happy.

After she was gone, I wanted to do something special for her. I wanted to capture those late night conversations in a book and share some of the magical and at times tough stories about growing up with my mother. I thought of it as a way to heal and help others, while ensuring her legacy carried on.

But, each time I tried to pen this next great American story, my words fell flat. How do you put to paper the stubborn, crazy, open-minded, smart and witty woman named Karen—or to me simply mom?

Over the course of twenty years, I’ve started and stopped over a dozen versions of this story. Sometimes via journal entries, short stories, blog posts or even anonymously submitted essays to the New York Times. But, it never seemed like enough. Until now.

This past year something in me clicked. Maybe, it is because I’m a mom now. Or, maybe as I grow older I realize that sometimes the easiest answer, can in fact be the answer. That perhaps in all of these years of trying to do more and be more and write more and share more and explore more, I am in fact living out my mother’s legacy. And, for her, that is enough.

When I look at Jake, my heart swells. I now know that he will be my toughest and greatest accomplishment. In fact, he already has exceeded anything I could ever achieve in life. And, despite all of the mistakes I’ve made in life, I think if Karen were here today, she’d be proud.

Sure, she’d shake her head at me about some of my choices and challenge me to think about what’s next. She might frown upon my inability to recreate her perfect pancakes and my less than stellar cribbage game skills. But, she’d love that I’m finding my way in this overly complex world by simplifying life. By striving to remain me. And to find happiness even in the saddest of days.

This Mother’s Day weekend I’ll run another race. I often run this race with mom on mind. I think of her watching me and wondering what possessed me to torture my body this way but being proud of my stubborn attitude and unwillingness to quit. This year will be no different – but rather than contemplate how to carry out her legacy I will remember that I am her legacy. And as long as I keep showing up and doing my best, that is enough.

I know Mother’s Day is a mixed bag for many of my friends and family. It certainly has been for me, for years. But, I wish you all peace and happiness on this day.

Missing you today and everyday Mom,

Your Baby Girl